seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
