I cockslap morals
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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