so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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