And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
