What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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