My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
