she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
smell my finger.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
