Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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