New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
