i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
