Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
