I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
