dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize