At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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