My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
