I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
