because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
