I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
