i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
