Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
