I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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