i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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