he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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