Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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