I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My balls are so social today.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
