just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
