When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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