Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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