After last night, I could never be a politician.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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