I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
