she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
