Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
