i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
