Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
