Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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