His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
