Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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