Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
