Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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