the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
