I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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