i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
