I think I died a long time ago.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
