I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He did a backflip because drugs
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