I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
