don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
