Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
