aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize