he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
