I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
