Plan B is the new Plan A
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
