There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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