How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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