I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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