How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize