seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
