I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
