I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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