We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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